URBANITES IN PARADISE

Based on the occasion of the author’s relocation from 

Washington, D.C. to rural Paradise, Pennsylvania in days gone by.

(Apologies to King James Version English)

It came to pass that a certain family of city dwellers who serveth the Lord transplanteth themselves from the Land of the Watergate to the beautiful countryside of Paradise which floweth with corn and soybeans. Yea, they discovereth they had many new things to learn.

They set about to build themselves a dwelling. “Where runneth the city water main?” inquired the Urbanite master of the household when the contractor appeareth with the plans. “We will need to turn on our many faucets, even to fill our bathtubs.”

“Thinkest thou that things are the same here as in the city of the Watergate? There is no city water out here!” declareth the contractor. “One must needs diggeth a well.”

“Proceed with haste then, lest thy delay costeth me more money than thou didst estimate.”

“First it must be determined where lieth the water. One cannot dig willy-nilly as a dog diggeth the earth seeking to find a bone that it hath long ago hidden.”

“Where then shall the well be dug?”

“For this cause an exact spot must be determined lest we excavate all the way to China and still not come upon water,” he patiently explained.

Immediately the contractor calleth upon a dowser person (which being interpreted was a man engaged to “smell for water” underground). Not many hours after, a certain old man of the county of Lancaster appeareth with a divining rod made of a peach tree branch which was said to mysteriously bend of itself to point the location where water lieth deep beneath the ground.

The Urbanite householder did scoff at such a primitive method, regarding it as sheer nonsense and superstition. Nevertheless, it was known unto all that even modern contractors calleth on dowsers in the province of Pennsylvania, particularly the county where the Lancasterites were wont to dwell. Still shaking his head with disbelief, acknowledging that it was indeed a great mystery, but being persuaded that he must go with the flow, [no pun intendeth!] the master of the household gave permission.

Behold, in the sight of all the neighbors assembled to watch, even while they looked steadfastly at him, eventually the dowser person cometh upon water as he promised.

The contractor lifteth up his voice and declareth, “The well must needs be dug down 225 feet to provide for thy needs.”

Now when he heard this, the transplanted Urbanite did not leap for joy but bowed himself down with sorrow. His heart was pricked within him as he complained, “What meaneth this? That will cost too many shekels. Lo, our neighbor’s well hath not needed such depth. Verily, he declareth so to me by the words of his own mouth.”

The contractor saith unto him, “Thy situation is unlike his. All property is not the same and each man severally hath his own needs. Furthermore, remember that the contour of thy land differeth; the size of thy dwelling is greater than thy neighbor's, and the people of thy household are more in number. Dost thou plan always to dwell alone with thy family?”

“Nay, others will come often to our dwelling, guests from far and near, even distant relatives in great numbers might descend upon us during vacations and holidays to sup and take rest in our guest rooms,” he admitted.

“Then truly thy well must have sufficient depth not only to quench thine own thirst, but for cooking, to cleanse thyself and thy household, to wash thy canine, even to wash thy laundry and vinyl floors. In days to come thou shalt need much water for thy landscaping and lawn, yea, even to water the trees which thou art planting from seedlings, that they might bring forth leaf and fruit abundantly. Moreover, hast thou not plans for a large garden?”

Thus convinced, the former Urbanite gave a nod, and it came to pass that the well was dug to the depth required, pipes laid, and a submersible pump installed with an electric motor. Oh, so silently and unseen was the operation that no man knew three gallons per minute floweth on demand to draw up the water.

“Here is thy guarantee,” saith the contractor. “Unlimited is thy water source, sufficient for all thy present and future needs and desires. Thou knowest, of course, that thou wilt have to turn on the spigots before water will flow, just as thou didst when living in the Land of the Watergate. And be not so foolish as to waste water by letting it flow forth for no reason or while thou dost brush thy teeth. When thou dost want hot water for thy pleasure, behold, thou hast it. Yea, and cool water for refreshment. Both are filtered and pure.”

For some time after they moved in, the Urbanites continued happily to enjoy abundant water. But one Sabbath day the man and his wife gazeth at one another in perplexity, then were seized with panic because certain faucets seemeth not to have even a drip for their need. The garden hose lieth limp without a dribble. The teenage son of the household complaineth that there was naught a trickle for the long showers that he requireth. 

“Alas! The well runneth dry!” they lamented with one accord. “Was it not written in the guarantee that our water will flow sufficient forever?” Truly they began to doubt what was promised them in former days by the contractor.

They perceived that quickly they should cry in their distress unto a Plumberite. He agreeth to come but gave them warning that he needs must charge time-and-a-half since he cometh on the Sabbath day in this emergency. Soon he arriveth in a large van loaded with tools and machinery with three assistant Plumberites.

With dollar signs dancing in his head, the Urbanite householder crieth with alarm, “What meaneth this? Why bringeth such an astronomical amount of equipment and persons with thee?”

The Plumberite answered and said unto him, “If thou mightest have humongous problems, so it becometh us to always come prepared.”

When the Plumberite had thus spoken, he consulteth privately with his three helpers. Then with a simple wrench he adjusteth the pressure valve on the tank while his assistants stood leisurely by holding a large tool box in readiness. Immediately the water floweth again with a great gush from all faucets.

With a loud voice he declareth, "Let not your hearts quake with fear. Fully sufficient and abundant continueth thy water supply, oh ye of little faith. Wherefore didst thou doubt? Only take care that no dirt or obstruction hindereth the flow. Yea, from time to time thou must cleanse the pipes and adjust the pressure. Verily, verily, I say unto thee, if thou wilt do according to my saying, thou shalt have no more water trouble.”

Having spent at most ten minutes at their dwelling, the Plumberite handeth the householder a bill of great figures. Written in his own hand, it readeth: “For mileage and labor costs on the Sabbath. Emergency service call.” And he departeth forthwith in a cloud of dust and a screech of the van tires.

And it was so in the days to come, even as the Plumberite prophesieth, for they took heed to keep their pipes clean and water pressure adjusted so peradventure they would not soon need to call on the expensive services of the Plumberite. 

Behold, it came to pass that the transplanted Urbanites lived happily ever after in the Land of the Lancasterites and were known far and wide for their well-watered luxuriant landscape, manicured green lawn, and bountiful garden. Yea, the former Urbanites in due time were awarded a prize by the township for having the most frequently shampooed collie dog.

****

Not exactly from THE RESOURCE BOOK

(Adapted from John 4:5-15 and 7:37, 38 by the author)

“He who hath ears to hear, let him hear. For the Master of the Divine Water System hath declared, 'Verily, verily, I am He who giveth the Water of Life severally unto each man which believeth in Me. He that believeth on Me shall never thirst. Behold, I am the Well springing up in them, even the Rivers of Living Water, the Abundant Source of Eternal Life. I am sufficient for all thy needs, even unto the days of thy children’s children for generations to come. Be not faithless but believing.'”